


Sealed With a Kiss

by orphan_account



Category: Naruto
Genre: Canon Related, Humor, M/M, Parody, Really Really Really Really Dumb, Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-11-04
Updated: 2013-11-04
Packaged: 2017-12-31 12:50:17
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,498
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1031885
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Everyone had their own thoughts and feelings about seeing their hero suck face with an (ex?)convict, and it went a little something like this. SasuNaru.  This fic is a silly, silly thing. I don't apologize.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Sealed With a Kiss

**Author's Note:**

> Possible spoilers up to Ch. 653 of the manga. Beware, anime only people! I warned you. Also, this fic was written purely out of boredom and should, under no circumstances, be taken seriously. If you take this fic seriously then you are doing it wrong. Thank you and please enjoy.

Naruto & Sasuke  
  
It happened once they were certain that it was all over.  No more life depleting tree, no more dead men from the past fucking their shit up, no more Obito taking his existential angst out on everybody, and most importantly, no more flashbacks.  The Shinobi Army was gathered in that very special remote place, not unlike the place where Goku battled Vegeta for the first time, and the sun was just starting to peak over the horizon.  It was officially Naruto’s birthday, and all the bullshit was over just in time for it.  
  
“Woo-hoo!  Yeah!”  Naruto whooped, and when he did all of his little ninja buddies came running toward him.  The first one to get there was Sakura, who jumped into his arms, then Hinata, surprisingly enough.  Shikamaru actually made an effort to get in there and muss his hair, and Kiba gave his arm a manly punch.  Once every ninja from Naruto’s graduating class, sans Sasuke, joined the puppy pile, Gaara stood outside of it unsure what to do.  Temari and Kankuro nudged him into the growing blob of hug and even joined in themselves.  Soon they had lifted Naruto into the air and were tossing him up and down.  It was a very happy moment for him, until he looked down and noticed Sasuke staring up at him.    
  
By the time they let him down and he successfully waded through everyone ever who now loved him, he caught up to Sasuke who was walking away and grabbed him by the shoulder.  
  
“Where do you think you’re going?” he said.  If there was one thing he was sick of it was looking at Sasuke’s back.  The war was over.  The world was good again.  Hell, it was his birthday for fucks sake!  He insisted that this be a no nonsense kind of day.  He fucking earned it.    
  
“I don’t do group hugs,” said Sasuke, shrugging Naruto’s hand from him.    
  
“That’s fine,” said Naruto, scratching his cheek and blushing.  “I had something else in mind anyway.”    
  
“I figured,” said Sasuke with a smirk that turned Naruto’s knees into mush, or maybe it was just exhaustion from being in battle for 485734956298 chapters.  Whatever the case may be, he practically fell into Sasuke’s arms and kissed him.  He sucked that delicious mouth like he sucked on ramen, never mind the fact that everyone was watching, including his dad, who was now very, very confused.  And he wasn’t the only one.  Everyone had their own thoughts and feelings about seeing their hero suck face with an (ex?)convict, and it went a little something like this.  
  
Sakura  
  
“Why am I not surprised?” she said, after her initial reaction of screaming and falling on her behind.  Tsunade laughed out loud as she helped her number one apprentice to her feet.  “It’s like their mission in life to make me a third wheel.”    
  
She smiled despite herself, though, and Sai could assure you that it wasn’t fake.  
  
Sai  
  
Sai whipped out one of his many self-help books and said, “According to this, their relationship is unhealthy and doomed to failure.  Also, judging by Konohamaru-kun’s interpretation, Sasuke-kun would prefer a much larger d-”  
  
“You won’t live to finish that sentence,” said Sakura, cracking her knuckles.      
  
Kakashi  
  
Kakashi whipped out his copy Makeout Madness, not to prove a point, but because it was too dark inside of Obito to read and he felt deprived.  What?  He called SasuNaru years ago.  Unlike all these other fuckers, he was so unshocked by this that he was actually bored.    
  
“What does _your_ book have to say about their chances of a successful relationship?” said Sai, clutching his black eye.  
  
“Nothing Sakura wants to hear about,” said Kakashi, just as the characters in the story were in the throes of hot, passionate lovemaking.  “She’ll have to get used to it, though.”    
  
Frankly, he didn’t know Sakura as well as he thought he did.  She was rather enjoying this, though she’d never, ever admit it.    
  
Yamato  
  
“Guys?  What’s going on?  Guys?” said Yamato, stuck in an unknown void of empty blackness.  Perhaps it’s for the best.  He’s a NaruSaku shipper anyway.  In fact, he’d be trolling the NaruHina tags on tumblr right now if he knew where he was.  Silly Yamato.  Kishimoto’s the only one who’s allowed to be a troll.  This is Yamato’s punishment.   
  
Kiba  
  
“I’m your hokage.  Vote for me!  I promise not to make out passionately with one of the most infamous fuckers in the Bingo Book.”    
  
“It’s not a democracy,” said Tsunade.    
  
“Well, maybe it should be!”    
  
Shino  
  
“Shut up, Kiba.  No one cares,” said Shino, taking out his frustration on his teammate.  He was bitter that all the flashbacks were over now.  How come his character didn’t get to have an angst-ridden back story in the manga?   
   
That is, until he conveniently received fanmail on the battlefield from Shinoluverxoxox.  The letter read: “ur my favorite Naruto character because u don’t have an angst-ridden back story in the manga.  KBAI.”    
  
He smiled and felt good about life again.      
  
Hinata  
  
Hinata, on the other hand, did not feel good about life.  She knew Sasuke would steal Naruto away the moment he showed up, but she still cried about it.    
  
Ino  
  
Ino cried, too.    
  
Shikamaru  
  
Shikamaru felt something gross and toxic well up in his throat.  Something that was a cross between tears and indigestion.  He was supposed to be the one with a super special bond with Naruto now.  Why did he always have to give Sasuke his all?     
  
He lamented his lost opportunity for all of two minutes, then lit a cigarette and watched the sky instead.  Naruto was troublesome anyway.  It was bad enough the guy was going to be his hokage.  He didn’t really have to be anything else, to be honest.    
  
Chouji  
  
“You both need a hug,” said Chouji, gathering Ino and Shikamaru into his arms before they could say no.  He’d been dying to do that for awhile actually.  Sasuke and Naruto trying to swallow each other whole wasn’t any concern of his.  He was a simple man, really.  Food and friends and fuck all else.   
  
Asuma  
  
“Damn, I owe Tsunade-sama 100 ryo,” said Asuma, observing Sasuke and Naruto from the heavens.  Apparently they were taking bets.  “Wait, no I don’t.  I’m dead!”  He guffawed, slapped his knee, and smoked a blunt.  Weed wasn’t illegal in heaven, after all.     
  
Gai  
  
“Such an honest display of youthful affection!” said Gai, wiping away his tears.  Then he shoved a thumb‘s up out toward them and his teeth twinkled in the rising sun.  They paid him no attention whatsoever.  “I’ve taught you well, Naruto.”    
  
“No you didn’t,” said Kakashi, and they somehow wound up having a janken rock-paper-scissors match over it.  Best forty-seven out of fifty-three.    
  
The sad thing is, Naruto and Sasuke were still at it at the end of all those janken games.   Dat stamina.    
  
Lee  
  
“I wonder if Sakura-san-”    
  
“Too soon,” said Sakura, and refused to discuss things any further.      
  
It wasn’t a no.    
  
Neji  
  
“Wow, guys.  Wow.  It’s not like I’m dead or anything.  You all just make like bunnies and tell phallic jokes then.  I don’t mind.  It wouldn’t be the first time fate’s laughed in my face.”    
  
“Hey, you’re right!” said the personification of fate, who was now pointing and laughing in Neji’s face.  
  
Neji then proceeded to poke the personification of fate 128 times for being a fucking fucker.    
  
He may have just been the slightest bit mad that he couldn’t make babies with his cousin anymore, or even have a threesome with her and Naruto.  Life wasn’t fair.  Neither was death.  
  
Tenten  
  
“Am I the only girl who isn’t attracted to either of these guys?”  said Tenten, watching as Sakura, Ino, Hinata, and Karin all flipped shit.    
  
Temari  
  
“No,” Temari said, staring at Shikamaru’s ass.  You go girl!   
  
Kankuro  
  
“Gaara?”  said Kankuro, poking the side of his little brother’s head.  “You alive in there?”    
  
Gaara  
  
“Naruto had better know what he’s doing,” he said, and where his voice was calm, and his body was perfectly still, he had already thought of about two hundred ways he could kill Uchiha Sasuke right fucking now.  Old habits die hard.    
  
Baki  
  
“Yay, I don’t exist anymore!” said Baki, as he pursued his real passion in life, which was interpretive dance.  If only his leotard didn’t make his butt look big.    
  
Karin  
  
 _Oh my god this is hot, but why can’t it be me and Sasuke?  But it’s hot.  But Sasuke.  But hot.  But Sasuke._  
  
 _Oh please say you’ll consider a threesome.  Oh please oh please oh yes I could lick you both all over so fucking much.  Bend you both over and punish you for leaving me out.  Bite you both up and down until you’re both spotted all over with teeth marks.  Oh baby, is that tongue?_  
  
Suigetsu & Juugo  
  
“What’s with her?” said Juugo.  
  
“She’s caught somewhere between crying and drooling,” said Suigetsu with a laugh.    
  
Then Karin snapped out of it and punched him, because that’s how they rolled.    
  
Orochimaru  
  
“Nufufufufufufufu.  My plan worked.”   
  
Kabuto  
  
... is dead.  Or something.  Wherever or whatever he is, he’s patting himself on the back for a job well done.  Orochimaru’s plan wouldn’t have worked without him, even though neither of them actually had anything to do with it other than adding more layers of drama and angst and fuckedness to their relationship.  It adds character.  
  
Also, he had to live though two and a half years of Sasuke moaning Naruto’s name in his sleep.  This kind of needed to happen, because fuck the world if it didn’t.      
  
Itachi  
  
“I’m suing,” Itachi posted on his facebook.  He was a genius.  He wasn’t going to let a little thing like death stop him from taking Orochimaru’s ass to court.  SasuNaru totally happened because of Itachi.  That was _his_ ship.  Literally.  It _belonged_ to him.  Everybody else get out.    
  
 _Uchiha Shisui, Pein, Konan, and Hoshigaki Kisame liked this._    
  
Deidara  
  
“Quit being a whiny douche,” Deidara posted on Itachi’s status.  He’s wanted to say that for years.  
  
“Crai moar deidara-sempai ssasuke totes killd u,” Tobi responded.  
  
 _Uchiha Itachi, Pein, Hoshigaki Kisame, Sasori, Konan, Hidan, Zetsu, Kakuzu, Uchiha Shisui, and Masashi Kishimoto liked this._  
  
“HAW HAW HE PROBABLY KILLED YOU TOO TOBI AMIRITE?  YOUR ACTUALLY THE WHINIEST DOUCHE OF ALL I HEARD.”   
  
“You’re,” Tobi responded.  
  
 _72 people liked this._   
  
Raikage  
  
“I still want to kill him,” he said, glaring at Sasuke.  Gaara silently agreed.    
  
Killer Bee  
  
“Come on, bro.  Don’t be broody.  Let mah man Naruto get some booty.”    
  
Obito  
  
“... and then Sasuke and Naruto both died.  The End.”    
  
Five minutes later, someone reviewed his fanfic and told him that it sucked.  Obito’s really lost his touch since that Road to Ninja movie, the last fanfic he ever wrote as Tobi.    
  
The next fucker to tell him “you were better as Tobi” was going to find goatse in their inbox.  That’s right.  Old memes, from way back before that Tobi fucker existed.  Obito had never regretted anything more in his entire life.  He wanted to cry to Rin about it but, well.  She was busy these days.  
  
Rin  
  
Rin was glued to the SasuNaru tag on tumblr.  Yes, they do have tumblr in heaven.  If there’s one thing she loved about Kakashi, it was that he shipped all the best things with her.  Those fucking cuties.  Being dead was worth it not to have to deal with the politics and the angst and all the bullshit.  But somehow she still wound up in flashbacks.  Oh well.  Can’t have everything.  But she could sit here and ship shit all day long.  She knew exactly what she was doing, unlike some people.  
    
Minato   
  
“I am so confused.  Kushina?  Help...”    
  
Kushina  
  
“It’s our son’s choice, dear.  Just accept it,” said Kushina.  
  
Mikoto & Fugaku    
  
“I knew it,” they both said.  I guess Sasuke being gay was pretty fucking obvious to them, even if he was only a little kid the last time they saw him.  Besides, his life was so chock full of angst and woe that they were just gonna let him have this one little thing.  Yes, they did have a hand in letting him have this.  Just because they were dead didn’t mean they weren’t his parents.  In fact, he was grounded for running away from home.   
  
Sasuke felt a chill all of a sudden, but that did not deter him.  Naruto’s mouth had done enough talking, especially during the war.  Like, goddamn.  His mouth needed to do more kissing now.     

Tsunade  
  
“And just what am I supposed to do about this?”  said Tsunade, caught somewhere between amusement and exasperation.  On the one hand, it was adorable, and Naruto wanted it so badly.  How could she possibly say no to that sweet face?  On the other, she’d have to be the one to deal with all the red tape and beaurocratic bullshit just to get the death sentence off of Sasuke’s head, never mind letting him move back into the village, potentially as the future hokage’s hubby.  This was why she always needed to be drunk.  These fucking people.  Oh.  My.  God.    
  
Jiraiya  
  
“Don’t look at me.  I tried to tell the brat to let Sasuke go,” he said, but he drank to them anyway.  Whatever made Naruto happy.  He was dead, so he didn’t have to watch.    
  
Hashirama  
  
“I ship it!”    
  
Madara  
  
“... me too.” And they tearfully embraced each other over it.  The war ended here.  SasuNaru for World Peace.    
  
Tobirama  
  
“I’ll have you ALL know that _I_ invented shipping.  Fuck all of you,” he said with a huff.  SasuNaru was his greatest invention of all, and he’d be seeing both Orochimaru and Itachi in court, those petty thieves.    
  
SasuNaru © Tobirama, the best hokage ever, 2013  
  
The En-  
  
Hiruzen  
  
“Wait, doesn’t my input mean anything?”    
  
Konohamaru  
  
“Only if you ship it, gramps,” said Konohamaru, as he transformed into a Sexy no Jutsu version of Sasuke and Naruto naked and embracing each other with large, sparkly shoujo eyes and rippling muscles and yaoi hands.  Both of them winked at their audience.  
     
“That is an inaccurate portrayal, young man,” said Tobirama.  “I would know.  I invented them.”  
  
“We get it already.  Geez,” said Madara while filing his fabulous nails.  He just didn’t give a flying fuck anymore.  Everyone was hopeless, but SasuNaru was pretty, so who cares?  
  
Naruto & Sasuke  
  
“Mrrrffmmm,” said Naruto.  It was hard to talk with Sasuke’s tongue in his mouth.   
  
And they all lived happily ever after, or some shit, except for Kurama because he'd have to listen to them go at it all the freakin' time now.  

Kurama

"Fuck.  Didn't think of that..."  
  
Iruka  
  
“Use condoms or else!” said Iruka, because I cannot end this fic properly without Iruka being the only responsible adult ever.    
  
“Hey, I try,” said Minato, his lip wibbling.    
  
We know, Minato.  We know.  Enjoy your son’s wedding!  
  
“WHAT????!”  Both Minato and Iruka shouted.    
  
 **The Actual End**

**Author's Note:**

> Yeah. Don’t ask. I was just in the mood to write something really, really random and dumb, I guess. It’s RANDUMB! Teehee. Well, hope you all enjoyed it. SasuNaru for World Peace and junk.


End file.
